Ambivalence

So... One more revelation. Isn't that much too much for the same people?..

Desecration

Everything I once believed in turned to dust with one single blow. You, who taught me to believe, have you done it just to ruin it someday? It took nine years for me to build myself on the ashes of childhood - using every your word, every chord of your guitars, every thought in your lyrics as a brick, and to become what I finally became... Due to you, and for you. Being cynical and dark, being disillusioned and sometimes rude, still I've been your fan, genuine, honest and pure. Even when facing the dirt I felt clean - because of the lessons I got from you. Everything's possible as long as you believe in it... But today I've seen that it's possible even through the things you don't believe in.

Sellout... An ugly word I hate the most in this world I got into - also due to you - world of show business. I've done it to be closer to you. I sacrificed myself, being harassed, hurt, disillusioned - but I've seen the light in the end of this tonnel. You turned the light off...

If I could also push the button and turn off this fucking mind player, that plays your songs in my head again and again, it wouldn't be so painful.

Since you've gone... There's an empty space... I live all those moments again wishing you were here...

But it is there, bringing the most brilliant, masterpiece lines into my memory, and biting me, tearing me down, twisting my brains, cutting my skin... I want to go and get drunk, so fucking drunk, not to be able to control myself -

Blackout... My head explodes...

- and the only thing holding me is a bitter knowledge that I have to do my work till tomorrow comes.

Hello, what have you done with our dream?! That's already not yours, that's mine... Written about those you came to help... Long before...

Where do you go, fantastic dreambird?.. Take me away to somewhere, take me away from here...

I don't know what to feel. After all I won't stop loving you in the end. This paradox tears me insane. But how that was possible?.. No, I know, I understand everything, because I've made some experience in this sphere too. And I can even say what points did they press to make you agree.

Then I was a child. Naive, romantic, wearing rosy specs. But I believed in you. Believed, that you'll never betray me, crossing your way with plastic & silicone semimusic called Conveyor. But...

Heroes don't cry...

So won't I. I cannot rip you out of my heart, so you will remain there, like before, but now this pulsing muscle is a rude gory wound with a thorn in the middle. Forgive me for the truth I've spoken. I'm still loving you...

In Memoriam

Since the previous owner of this blog has passed out, a lot of things came through the irreversible changes. A loss of that person is irreversible itself, and it was followed by similarly tragic, but fatal occurrences aimed at general survival. I feel really sorry for her, because, though we were very close, and I always knew all of her thoughts and had my own opinion concerning all these things, she was always dominant - and my ideas very often seemed to her too radical and materially-minded. And now, when I inherited her memory temple, I am the one to decide. On her behalf.

Sinvocation

No one of them knew the truth. No one of those on the broken side of the world.

I'm staring into the luminous eyes of the city I'm thrown to. The inevitable thing to become a part of this voyeuristic society, gazing outside of their holes and trying to live the life of someone next window. I am a part of their prime time show.

You sit next to me, drawing an inverted cross on my hand. It makes me laugh deep inside, that's ludicrous. You, who always call me satanist, yourself are creating this image for me. Aren't you trying to become another prophet for me?.. These existing prophets... No one of them could stand one simple question I asked them; they all broke down: "Do you yourself believe in the truth you've spoken?"

You told me that my eyes reflect deep form of lunacy. Well, from you it sounds like an unreserved compliment. I'd prefer lunacy rather than this perverted voyeurism that is counted to be sane.

They are closing their doors for you, but they always keep their windows open - because what their life would be without the opposite side of glass?

Don't try to be my prophet. Because then you will also be dissolved in my merciless question.

Senseless

A balloon filled with helium should fly. A human-being endowed with brain should be thinking. I remember, when I was a youngster, once I've seen a bunch of balloons in some room. They were hanging between floor and ceiling, without touching any surface. Too weak to rush upwards and still keeping the remains of helium molecules inside their rubber bodies - and thus unable to fall down. I came closer and cut the threads, strangling them, and they died.

Once they could think, and then I called them People. Now they barely deserve the name of human-beings. Hanging in mental vacuum and believing in their self-imposed happy-ending tales. Disguised. Maybe I should cut the threads again?..