Undress Rehearsal

Faded daylight. Freezing shivers down my spine. And me - mentally undressing here, among the neons and soffits; stripping my soul for I don't know what. Yes, I myself don't clearly understand why I'm doing this. Maybe because I'm drunk - just totally wasted, but still holding on to the undying ability to think, make decisions and analyse.

I don't want to be struck in the past. To live some several days again and again in my memory and close my eyes for the present. No. No! But everything within me screams that what I've done was the only right way to do - in every tiny detail. I'm so fuckin' honest towards myself now, that it even scares me.

Only today I've realized that then, in those four days it became clear to me, that something was wrong with that life I was used to. That something has changed. That it's just great to know that someone cares. That someone worries about you, supports you, helps you to carry something you would otherways never ask anyone to help with... And now it's definitely hard to return to that semi-automatic existence, that I previously counted to be my real life.

Yes, that was an adventure. The biggest one I ever taken. But the feedback of it is immense. Huge. Overwhelming. And now I know, that I needed that emotional rollercoaster, I've been longing for that, but the other part of my ego didn't hear (or didn't want to hear) that fierce demand. These five people have given me previously unknown freedom: freedom to feel myself through them. And now, if someone wakes me in the middle of night, I can unmistakably name their preferences, hobbies and addictions. They're MY BAND now.

...And today - while trying to live my life as usual, I came across the view that doesn't fade in my mind: overcrowded metro cabin, some person holding a colorful paper bag with an italic lettering - save me... The words I wanted to whisper to him during all the four days of our life under the same roof. But I didn't.

This past deserves to become present again. And I will go for it. Still, everything's possible as long as you believe in it...