Polyamory

What a nice word, indeed. I've fallen in love with it since the very first second I saw it somewhere in the web. Polyamory. Poly-amorous... The urge, the need to love several different people at the same time.

And sometimes it's a ball and chain. When it seems to you, that you've found someone worthy, when you drift away from bringing back a single memory of an instant kiss - but who can be sure that, when lying next to that one, you won't be thinking of someone different? When that person inspires you - and according to my experience, this is the highest peak of emotional intimacy - and when you shiver when someone nearby pronounces the name or something related to that person, - why still we do desire the other ones? Polyamory - that's the answer. Very clear and seemingly justifying. Cold.

There's nothing worse than being loved by a friend. Of course, I don't mean the true friendship, this brotherly love that is above all. Equally I don't mean just sex. It's enormously hard to hear about the same thing - being polyamorous - but towards you. Especially when it comes from a friend. And directly when it comes from a friend. Because when the person is new to you, when he drives you physically and generally is of interest for you - I don't mind even if he's married. But a friend, someone you know so well - and whom you're used to treat absolutely differently, caught in that situation - that's a panopticon. You don't want to hurt - and you fear for friendship. You accept this polyamory thing for yourself, but deny it for your friend. A double standard.

And what is worth - while exploring myself, I've discovered a lot of different qualities. Good and sinful as well. But when I find something interesting enough to keep my eye on it, in some several days the same quality appears from the outside, in a different person, coming your way, but already desecrated and disheartened. This happens every time it seems to me that I've found the way.

Polyamory. A search? Don't think so. A lifestyle. Exploration. Curiosity and cynicism. A deliberate step.