The Diary
What I considered to be the blessing - to have a heart of flesh and blood, vulnerable and sensitive, - is actually a curse. Screaming, and bleeding, and regretfully dying, and reversibly being reborn to experience once and the same. And those creatures around - they perceive it to be a colorful show. They can be interested in you. As long as you entertain them. As long as you pretend to be one of them.
Those who declared themselves "the closest people" to me openly ask me a typically american "cinemated" question: "Are you ok?" - while I'm screaming in their ears: "Don't you see that I'm dying?!" Well, the answer is movie-like predictable: "Yes, I'm ok". Those ones on the screen always say so, even if they have their heads ripped off. Am I ok? - Yap! There's even no need in asking. With such care I'd better die alone.
If there's a way out, it is the way forward. But where is the right direction, if I'm a blinded stranger, and some pranksters on the way misled me? I can think that I'm moving forward, while actually it can be directly an opposite. Once I tried to follow the light: its source appeared to be nothing, but a broken lantern in the mist. And now I'm unable to do even this - the darkness is so thick, that I can cut a piece of it.
***
A couple of days ago I pierced myself. Breaking all sanitary norms, just took a needle and slowly pushed it into the flesh, hoping that I'm able to kill pain with pain. Equally as fighting fire with fire. The pain is alive. It won't give up so easily. But the ugly scar now slashes not only my heart, but also my body.
***
Today I killed Vada. Her only mistake was that she achieved me at a wrong minute. Frankly speaking, she couldn't appear at the right moment - they all are wrong now. So, I locked her in the corner and burnt alive, and kept staring while the ravenous flames were eating her face. When I feel scalding desperation, I usually kill my alter-egos. She, probably, was the best of them.
***
Tomorrow I'm gonna burn the diary. Vada left a lot of her thoughts in it, and I don't want her to bother me from her afterlife/neverland. I feel a little bit sorry - she was a talented one... But the choice was me or her.
***
But the next day I'll kill myself too. She was worth doing it at the very beginning.
Those who declared themselves "the closest people" to me openly ask me a typically american "cinemated" question: "Are you ok?" - while I'm screaming in their ears: "Don't you see that I'm dying?!" Well, the answer is movie-like predictable: "Yes, I'm ok". Those ones on the screen always say so, even if they have their heads ripped off. Am I ok? - Yap! There's even no need in asking. With such care I'd better die alone.
If there's a way out, it is the way forward. But where is the right direction, if I'm a blinded stranger, and some pranksters on the way misled me? I can think that I'm moving forward, while actually it can be directly an opposite. Once I tried to follow the light: its source appeared to be nothing, but a broken lantern in the mist. And now I'm unable to do even this - the darkness is so thick, that I can cut a piece of it.
***
A couple of days ago I pierced myself. Breaking all sanitary norms, just took a needle and slowly pushed it into the flesh, hoping that I'm able to kill pain with pain. Equally as fighting fire with fire. The pain is alive. It won't give up so easily. But the ugly scar now slashes not only my heart, but also my body.
***
Today I killed Vada. Her only mistake was that she achieved me at a wrong minute. Frankly speaking, she couldn't appear at the right moment - they all are wrong now. So, I locked her in the corner and burnt alive, and kept staring while the ravenous flames were eating her face. When I feel scalding desperation, I usually kill my alter-egos. She, probably, was the best of them.
***
Tomorrow I'm gonna burn the diary. Vada left a lot of her thoughts in it, and I don't want her to bother me from her afterlife/neverland. I feel a little bit sorry - she was a talented one... But the choice was me or her.
***
But the next day I'll kill myself too. She was worth doing it at the very beginning.
posted by Attera Nox at 12:36 PM
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